


remember cologne, when it’s late at night

by lightup19



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Character Study, F/F, F/M, Song fic, Soulmate AU, basically my take on how the team would react to dolls' death, i wrote this before 3x03 aired so most of this will not follow canon after that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-20 23:52:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15545028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightup19/pseuds/lightup19
Summary: There’s no mistake. This isn’t some twisted dream.This is real.The man Wynonna fell in love with in just a year is inside a coffin in the ground and he’s really, truly gone.orThe team learns what it means to live life without Xavier Dolls.





	remember cologne, when it’s late at night

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everyone!
> 
> If you're as attached to this show as I am, then I'm sure you've spent the last week grieving Dolls' passing. 
> 
> I've known these characters now for over a year and I've had so many feelings for each of them that I felt like I had to write something. 
> 
> I've rewrote this fic three times now, but I think I've finally captured what I think the genuine reactions would be of each of these characters. 
> 
> This fic is sectioned off by character, starting with Jeremy, then Doc, Nicole, Waverly, and finally Wynonna as I have labeled them. Before each section I've included lyrics from a song that I think describe that specific character's feelings towards Dolls or their relationship to him. I recommend listening to the songs to add to the experience.
> 
> I've cried more times than I count writing this, and I think it has helped me come to terms with letting go of Dolls. 
> 
> This fic follows canon up until 3x02, and I wrote this all before 3x03 aired. I'm sure that some of the ideas I've speculated about in here won't follow the actual writing of the show after that point.
> 
> I've checked this over pretty well, but I'll correct any errors that are pointed out.
> 
> The title of this fic is from the song "Cologne" by Haux.
> 
> I don't own Wynonna Earp or any of its characters (unfortunately).
> 
> Links to my social media will be in the end notes if you would like to contact me for whatever reason.
> 
> Rest in peace, Xavier Dolls.

  
  


\---------

 

Jeremy

 

\---------

**_“_ ** **How to Save a Life** **_”_ ** **The Fray**

_ Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend _   
_ Somewhere along in the bitterness _   
_ And I would have stayed up with you all night _   
_ Had I known how to save a life _

\---------

  
  


Jeremy Chetri  _ always _ has something to say. 

 

Most of the time it’s never what anyone wants to hear, but he always has  _ something _ .

 

Except now. Because now his best friend has been lying in a hole in the earth for  _ four _ days and his life is slowly falling apart. 

 

Jeremy sits at a table littered with beer bottles at Shorty’s, surrounded by people he  _ hopes _ he can still call his friends. With each silent minute that passes, however, they begin to look more and more like strangers.

 

He searches his mind for something he can say to heal their broken hearts. Something to pull them out of the darkening shadows for  _ just _ a moment. Something to make Doc stop carving away the table with his knife, or something to make Wynonna stop running her fingers over Dolls’ tags. Something to make Waverly or Nicole smile for the first time in days.  _ Anything _ at all. 

 

He has  _ nothing _ , and the moment the thought crosses his mind, he feels his eyes begin to burn. 

 

He pushes back his chair, hearing it clatter to the ground, and runs through the front doors into the pouring rain. 

 

He’s not even surprised when he looks back over his shoulder and sees that no one has moved from the table. 

 

Using the dim orange haze of the streetlights as a guide, Jeremy walks alone down dark, abandoned streets towards his motel. His hoodie and jeans are soaked within seconds, and his car is parked somewhere back on Main Street, but he can’t find a reason to  _ care _ anymore. 

 

And even though he’s desperately tried to latch onto any last remains of hope, they continue to find a way to  _ just _ slip through his fingers. 

 

He looks up into the clouded night sky and notices that not even a single star is accompanying him on this night. He’s suddenly hit with a feeling that comes crashing down so fast and so hard, he feels its impact resonate in his  _ soul _ . 

 

“I’m alone,” he breathes out and wipes furiously at the tears streaming down his face. 

 

Jeremy has been alone many times in his life, but this feels different. Because he  _ had _ a job and a purpose and friends all in his grasp. He felt safe and secure and like if everything else went wrong, at least he had a  _ family _ .

 

And then he lost it all in a matter of moments and he doesn’t know  _ how _ to deal with that. 

 

Jeremy doesn’t know how to deal with loss like this because the feeling has disappeared from his mind. 

 

His grandmother died when he was very young, almost too young to remember. If he searches through his memories long enough, he can faintly recall the day his family buried her. He was just a confused boy watching his mother’s eyes fade as her tears mixed with the raindrops falling from the gray sky. 

 

_ “Mama, where is Grandma?” he had asked her, his brow furrowed.  _

 

_ His mother held him closer and whispered softly, “She’s at peace.” _

 

_ Jeremy looked on, wondering when she would return. _

 

He wouldn’t understand until years later that there was no coming back from death. That the souls had already left their bodies. That there was no chance for the forgotten to be remembered. 

 

He wouldn’t understand that losing someone you love comes with such an overwhelming sense of  _ loneliness _ .

 

And even now, he’s not sure if he understands. He catches a glimpse of himself in a store front window, and he nearly trips over his own feet at the image he sees. A lost, confused boy stares back at him in his reflection. Jeremy swears his heart  _ stops _ in that moment because all he can see in his own eyes is the same boy he once was. 

 

Maybe he hasn’t changed at all. 

 

As he drops his head into his hands, he sees something in the corner of the window that makes him break out into tears all over again. 

 

Because when he looks over his shoulder into the darkness, he sees a single star shining back at him. 

 

“Dolls,” he whispers, his voice scratchy. 

  
Jeremy falls to his knees in the middle of the street and sobs into his hands because he’s  _ alone _ and his  _ best _ friend has left this world and and he doesn’t understand  _ why _ .

 

-

 

The guilt nearly  _ kills _ him. 

 

It courses through his veins, tainting his blood and poisoning his heart. 

 

It shackles him down and beats him senseless and makes him feel like he doesn’t deserve to be on this earth anymore.

 

Because Jeremy  _ had _ the chance to save him. Because Jeremy  _ knew _ Dolls was hurting deep in his soul before Dolls even said a word. 

 

Jeremy had spent dozens of sleepless nights in the basement of Shorty’s, clutching his hair in his hands and pouring over his lab notes over and over and  _ over _ . He fought and fought for an answer to a deadly question. He had used hundreds of substances in hundreds of combinations, but  _ nothing _ had worked. 

 

_ Nothing _ worked and  _ nothing _ made sense and Jeremy gave up more times than he’ll ever be able to count. 

 

And so he had waited for an answer to come. 

 

He stood by and waited and now Dolls is  _ gone _ . 

 

_ Forever _ .

 

“What kind of man gives up on his best friend?” he asks his empty motel room, and the question echoes off the walls off his heart. 

 

He rolls over in bed, willing his eyes to stare through the ceiling to the room he knows is just beyond it. 

 

The day he moved to Purgatory is one of the memories he knows he’ll never forget.

 

_ Jeremy stumbled through the Purgatory Sheriff’s Station, balancing four cardboard boxes in his arms. The halls were empty of people, but that didn’t stop him from accidentally tripping on  _ every _ object in his path.  _

 

_ He turned the corner into an empty room and stumbled over his own shoelaces, feeling the boxes spill out in front of him. He felt a pair of strong arms grab his shoulders just before he hit the ground.  _

 

_ “Woah there, Jeremy,” Dolls had said, pulling Jeremy to his feet. “What are you doing here at one in the morning?” _

 

_ “I could ask you the same thing,” Jeremy joked, nudging Dolls with his elbow. At Dolls’ blank expression he added, “Or not. I’m, uh, just moving here, you know. To like, sleep and stuff.” _

 

_ “I don’t think so,” Dolls had said, nodding his head and picking up Jeremy’s boxes easily. Jeremy ran to catch up with him as he walked briskly out the door.  _

 

_ “What? Where are we going then?” Jeremy asked, setting his backpack in the backseat of Dolls’ truck.  _

 

_ “I’m buying you a room at my motel. Now hop in, Agent Chetri,” Dolls said pointedly.  _

 

_ Jeremy decided against arguing with Dolls and rode along with him in silence, trying to hide the smile he had on his face.  _

 

_ At the motel, Dolls left Jeremy to drag his own luggage up the stairs and returned to his side moments later. _

 

_ “We’ve really got to get you started at the gym or something,” Dolls joked, clapping Jeremy on the back. Dolls suddenly stopped and dropped Jeremy’s stuff in a pile in front of a door. “This is yours,” he said, pressing a key into Jeremy’s hand. “My room’s directly above yours if you need me.” _

 

_ “Thank you so much, Dolls,” Jeremy gushed, fumbling with the key and trying to get the door to open.  _

 

_ “Don’t mention it,” Dolls grinned, taking slow steps back towards the stairs. “Oh, and Jeremy?” _

 

_ Jeremy leaned out of his door and looked back towards him. “Yeah?” _

 

_ “It’s nice having you here with me. You should stay in Purgatory,” Dolls smiled, turning on his heel and walking back up the stairs.  _

 

_ Jeremy decided in his heart then and there that he would stay in Purgatory forever if Dolls wanted him to. He would do  _ anything _ for Dolls.  _

 

Jeremy doesn’t realize he’s crying again until he feels the cold tears dropping off his face onto his pillow. 

 

And,  _ God _ , does he feel so guilty now. 

 

_ Not only did I give up on him, but I let him walk right into his own death _ . 

 

Jeremy had let Dolls get up and drive over to the Pine Barrens and he didn’t do  _ anything _ to stop him. 

 

The thought hits him so harshly that he loses his breath for a moment. 

 

_ It’s my fault that Dolls is dead _ . 

 

He doesn’t sleep at all the next two days, turning the same thought over and over again in his mind. 

 

-

 

It’s been two weeks since Dolls died and Jeremy hasn’t left his motel room for the past week. In fact, he’s hardly left the tangled, worn sheets of his bed. A single beam of sunlight shines weakly through his window, and Jeremy starts to wonder if he even remembers what the sun looks like anymore. 

 

He startles and kicks his sheets off the bed as someone bangs loudly on his door and repeatedly orders him to, “Open up this damn door, Jeremy!” He registers the voice to be Doc’s and begins to panic as his eyes flit around his room. He scrambles over to a mirror and gasps at his own appearance. 

 

He moves his hands across his face in disbelief at the  _ abomination _ staring back at him. His beard has grown in scarce patches around his face. His hair is knotted together in tangled clumps that he desperately tries to pull apart. He scratches at the bags under his eyes, which now appear to be carrying bags of their own. 

 

“Jeremy, if you do not let me in now, I will not hesitate to shoot this door to the ground,” Jeremy hears Doc’s muffled voice threaten. Jeremy sighs and shakes his head at his reflection. Normally he’d spend a good amount of time getting ready if he knew Doc would be around, but he doesn’t really have a choice now. 

 

Nudging empty beer bottles out of his way, Jeremy tries to clear a path to the door. He moves over a tower of pizza boxes blocking the doorway before he takes a deep breath and pulls on the door handle. “Hey, Doc! Now’s not a great time-”

 

“Jeremy, where in the hell-” Doc starts before he trails off and takes in Jeremy’s appearance. “Lord, are you alright, Jeremy? You look like you have not slept in weeks.”

 

Jeremy schools his features into the smile he normally reserves for Doc and swallows a lump rising in his throat. “I’m doing, uh, just fine, Doc.” When Doc raises an eyebrow in disbelief, Jeremy adds on, “Really. Nothing to worry about here.” He shuts the door behind Doc and grimaces as the stack of pizza boxes tumbles over at Doc’s feet.

 

“Now, Jeremy, let us sit down and you can enlighten me as to what has been bothering you,” Doc pats Jeremy’s back, gesturing to a table in the corner. 

 

Jeremy doesn’t even make it halfway before his vision blurs with tears and he’s falling into Doc’s arms. His body shakes with each sob and he feels Doc hold him tighter as he sits him down in a chair. “You don’t  _ understand _ , Doc.”

 

Doc pulls back to look Jeremy in the eyes. “About what exactly?” Doc asks.   
  


“I knew, Doc. I-I knew Dolls was dying and I couldn’t save him and I knew he didn’t have much time and I  _ let _ him go anyway,” Jeremy spits out, grabbing Doc’s shirt tightly. “God, how could I be so  _ stupid _ ? I let him die, Doc, and I didn’t do a single thing about it. It’s  _ my _ fault that he’s dead.”   
  
Doc shakes his head, clearly refusing to believe Jeremy’s words. “Jeremy, do you think it is possib-”

 

Jeremy stands and shoves the chair over, cutting Doc off mid-sentence. “No, Doc. There’s  _ nothing _ else to it. I should’ve done something. I should’ve told you that day when you found me in the basement at Shorty’s. I should’ve tried harder to fix his drugs. I should’ve done  _ something _ to stop him.  _ Anything _ , instead of goofing around and messing everything up like I  _ always _ do.” Jeremy lets out a deep breath and falls to the ground in defeat. 

 

He feels Doc kneel down next to him. Jeremy looks up and watches Doc take his hat off of his head, spinning it slowly in his hands. He swallows as Doc places his hands on his shoulders.

 

“Now you listen to me, Jeremy. If I have learned anything in my 166 years of life, it is that we cannot change the past, no matter how much we wish we could. And you  _ especially _ cannot change something that was out of your control. I have tried and tried again to live a life blaming myself for things I could not control and you know what has happened each time?” When Jeremy shakes his head, Doc continues, “I found I was not living life at all. You cannot live your life punishing and isolating yourself from your family for something that was  _ not _ and will  _ never _ be your fault, Jeremy.” He takes Jeremy into his arms and Jeremy feels his soul break at his last words. 

 

“We don’t blame you for  _ anything _ , Jeremy, and we will  _ always _ be here for you.”

  
  


\---------

 

Doc

 

\---------

**“Smother”** **Daughter**

_ In the darkness I will meet my creators _ __  
_ And they will all agree, that I'm a suffocator _ __  
_ I should go now quietly _ __  
_ For my bones have found a place _ _  
_ __ To lie down and sleep

\---------

  
  


Loss is not a new feeling to Doc Holliday.

 

He recalls being a young boy listening to his mother, Alice, coughing her lungs out into a bloodied cloth. Even after over a  _ century _ , the pain remains engraved in his mind and heart. 

 

He remembers praying helplessly to some God that he will not lose the most important person in his life because he does not know  _ how _ to live without her. 

 

He remembers burying his mother next to a patch of flowers in the yard and deciding that if there is a God out there, he certainly does not give a  _ damn _ about him. 

 

Losing Wyatt is different. 

 

His best friend leaves him in a fury of words and a cloud of dust and Doc feels  _ empty _ for the first time in years. 

 

It was his own fault that he lost Wyatt. He lost his best friend because he decided to live life  _ selfishly _ instead of selflessly. 

 

And then he sat in the bottom of a dried up well for a century and lost his family and friends and his entire  _ life _ without getting to say  _ goodbye _ . 

 

He wants to be able to say that  _ that _ moment is one of his biggest regrets, but he still thinks that he has not learned a thing in 166 years.

 

Because he is still the same selfish asshole he has  _ always _ been. 

 

Doc stabs his knife into the wall of the barn next to his bed even harder. 

 

And then he had lost Dolls. 

 

Even though it was not his fault he lost Dolls, he still feels responsible. 

 

He feels  _ guilty _ . 

 

Doc shakes his head, throwing his knife across the barn. He reaches for the bottle of whiskey on the crate next to him.  _ I told Dolls he was going to hell _ .

 

He has replayed the same conversation over and over in his mind and he gets more furious with himself each and every time.

 

Doc had seen the burning, flaming pits of hell with his own eyes and the only thing he could think about was what he had done to  _ deserve _ this. 

 

He had been foolish to think that he could cancel the decades of evil he had put into this world with just  _ one _ year of good. And,  _ God _ , had he been selfish to complain about not being rewarded for helping Wynonna and Waverly with this godforsaken curse. 

 

And he was a downright idiot to think that he deserved to be praised as a hero just for doing what was right. 

 

Because Doc knows he was never really a hero. 

 

_ And I probably never will be _ , Doc thinks, leaning forward with his elbows balanced on his knees. 

 

But Dolls? He was a hero, through and through. 

 

Doc cannot think of better man than Xavier Dolls. 

 

And yet he told Dolls he was a murderer, destined for hell, because he was too selfish not to make others around him  _ suffer _ . 

 

Dolls had seen through his bullshit, thankfully, but he left this world thinking that Doc had hated him with his entire being.

 

“Is that not the furthest thing from the truth?” Doc mutters, standing and grabbing the now empty whiskey bottle. He stands in the middle of the barn, enveloped in a deafening silence, and clenches his fist. 

 

_ Only I could tell the best man I knew that he was going to suffer eternally because I could not handle my own suffering.  _

 

Doc spits out, “I am no man at all,” and throws the bottle as hard as he can at the boarded ceiling.

 

He closes his eyes and feels the glass shards rain down, drops of blood trailing down his neck. 

 

-

 

Doc begins to worry about Wynonna after a week has passed and she has not left the homestead. 

 

He has given her all the space he know she needs, but he cannot help but feel as though he needs to say  _ something _ to her. 

 

He’s caught glimpses of her on a few occasions, but he has not heard her speak in  _ days _ . If anything, he just wants to make sure she knows he’s  _ here _ for her.

 

_ If that’s even what she wants _ , Doc reminds himself.

 

He adjusts his hat and knocks softly on the front door of the homestead. He hears feet shuffling along the battered boards and is only mildly surprised when Nicole answers the door. She looks nearly as exhausted as Doc himself feels.

 

“Miss Haught,” he begins, tipping his hat in greeting. “I hope Wynonna is still around.”

 

“Yeah, she’s just over in her room,” she says softly, gesturing down the hall. She closes the door behind him and his eyes follow her as she moves her way back to the living room. 

 

Doc hangs his hat and coat up and watches as Nicole joins Waverly back on the couch, their arms circling around one another. Doc knows that Nicole has been spending most of her nights at the homestead, and he is glad to see that they at least have each through all of this. Nicole kisses Waverly on the top of her head and turns to Doc, nodding her head. 

 

Doc smiles sadly and moves his way through the house, pausing before he reaches the door to Wynonna’s room. He takes a deep breath and opens the door carefully, and his ears instantly fill with the sound of a very sad song that Doc does not recognize.

 

He notices Wynonna’s hair splayed out across her pillow and closes the door quietly behind him. He walks over to her nightstand and struggles to figure out how to turn off the music coming from her phone. 

 

“Press the button with the two lines,” Wynonna mumbles from somewhere in the mess of sheets, and Doc nearly drops her phone at the sound of her voice. He presses the button Wynonna had described, and the music shuts off instantly.

 

With the music off, Doc perches on the edge of Wynonna’s bed, careful not to touch her. “Would it be alright if I talked with you, Wynonna?” he asks, partially expecting to not receive an answer.

 

Wynonna raises her head up and sits back against the headboard, running a shaky hand through her hair. When her eyes finally meet Doc’s, he is alarmed by what he sees. 

 

_ The light has left her eyes _ , is the first thing Doc thinks. He does not think he has  _ ever _ seen Wynonna this broken. Not even after the Jack of Knives. Not even after she shot Willa. 

 

“Wynonna,” he starts, unsure of what it is exactly that he wants to say. “How are you feeling?”

 

She closes her eyes tightly and wraps her arms around herself, and Doc has to restrain himself from reaching over and taking her into his arms. “It feels like I can’t  _ breathe _ , Doc.” She opens her eyes and her whole body shakes. “I-I’ve never felt so  _ empty _ .”

 

Wynonna reaches her hand out and he holds it delicately between his hands. He waits for Wynonna to continue because he knows that there are a million words she is trying to say. 

 

“I just, I just don’t think that I can do this without him,” she continues, shaking her head. “The curse, I mean. Breaking the curse. I don’t even know if we had a chance before, but with him…” she trails off before she moves forward onto her knees closer to Doc. “With him it felt like anything was possible. Like, like I could do anything in the world and anything I could dream of. And not even just about the curse, Doc. He-he made me feel things I’ve never,  _ ever _ felt in my life before.”

 

She pauses then and Doc notices something shift in her eyes. She hesitates, and Doc shakes his head. “I am not blind, Wynonna. I know you felt real feelings for him,” he says softly. 

 

Because Doc cares about Wynonna more than he usually does about anyone else, but he knows that Wynonna’s heart lies somewhere else. With  _ someone _ else. And he is going to have to learn to be okay with that. 

 

He is going to have to learn to put other people before himself for once. 

 

And for Wynonna? Doc thinks he’ll try with his entire  _ soul _ to be better.

 

Wynonna’s mouth opens and closes and she looks into Doc’s eyes like she is trying to find the words to something indescribable. “Dolls. I-I think I was in love with him,” she breathes out, shaking her head. “No, I  _ know _ I loved him. I still do and I  _ always _ will.” 

 

Doc notices her demeanor change and anticipates the fall before it happens. Wynonna collapses into his arms, crying into his chest. “What’s the point of loving someone who’s already gone?” she sobs, clutching tighter to Doc’s flannel shirt. 

 

Doc feels his eyes begin to burn and his vision begin to blur and he takes a deep breath before he wraps his arms around Wynonna. 

 

_ Be strong. For her. _

 

_ And for him. _

 

He rubs his hands up and down her back in what he hopes is a soothing manner until Wynonna seems to be able to catch her breath once again. 

 

She pulls back slightly, still holding onto Doc’s arms. “He never got to see our baby. He never got to meet Alice,” Wynonna whispers, and Doc feels his facade crumble. 

 

All of the air leaves his lungs in one breath and his heart  _ aches _ at the mention of their daughter. It aches even more when he realizes that Wynonna is right. 

 

Dolls never got to meet Alice. He never got to hold her in his arms.

 

He  _ never _ will get the chance. 

 

Doc lifts Wynonna’s chin up and looks deep into her eyes, making sure she understands these next few words. “I’m afraid he did not, but I can  _ assure _ you that we will break this curse, Wynonna. For Alice. For Dolls. For both of them,” he assures her, blinking back tears of his own. “And when we finally bring our little girl home, we will make sure she  _ never _ forgets who he was.”

 

“Thank you, Doc,” Wynonna whispers so quietly, Doc has to strain to hear her. “But I think that I will always still miss him.”

 

“As will I. And that is alright,” he smiles sadly, and his heart nearly breaks when Wynonna sadly smiles back.

 

She leans forward and Doc rests his chin on top of her head. “I am here for you, Wynonna, if you need me,” Doc promises her.

 

“I know,” Wynonna says, and Doc breathes a sigh of relief. 

 

Things will never be the same without him, but at least they have each other.

 

And maybe that’s enough for now. 

 

-

 

Dolls has been gone for a month and he has never left Doc’s mind. 

 

The air in the homestead feels different now, Dolls’ absence present in everything around them. 

 

Doc helps Wynonna when he can, but he can still sense that there is something deep inside of her that has been  _ taken _ . 

 

Almost like a piece of her heart is missing. 

 

Doc  _ knows _ Dolls will keep it safe for her. 

 

On the one month anniversary of his passing, he joins Waverly and Wynonna out by Dolls’ grave. Dozens of flower bouquets are scattered around the area, and Doc takes a moment to appreciate them. He had watched Waverly pick each of the flowers by hand the day before, only choosing the best of the bunch for Dolls. 

 

His eyes skate over to Wynonna, and Doc reads that her mind must be somewhere else. She is subconsciously rubbing the letters on Dolls’ tags, something she has not taken off since the day they buried him. She looks as though she is trying to cry, but Doc considers that perhaps she has run out of tears.

 

He looks to Waverly next, one hand in Wynonna’s and the other frantically wiping away the tears freezing on her face. She is underdressed for the cold, and Doc thinks she probably did not think they would be out here this long. 

 

Doc’s eyes find Dolls’ tombstone and he shakes his head. They have been standing here for an hour, and the same thought continues to weave its way to the forefront of his mind. 

 

“He was so young,” Doc breathes out, glancing up quickly when he realizes he spoke his thoughts aloud. 

 

He sees Wynonna nod her head slowly, and Waverly admits, “I wish I had gotten to know him better.”

 

“As did I,” Doc agrees. He really did not know much about Xavier Dolls. 

 

If there was one thing Doc knew about him for  _ sure _ , it was that Dolls was a hero. Plain and simple. Dolls was a hero and Doc could only ever  _ dream _ of being as good as he was. 

 

Doc looks up as Nicole walks through the snow towards them, holding a jacket in her hands. She slides it around Waverly’s shoulders and then her arms. 

 

“Let’s get you two inside,” she says softly, sliding her arms around Waverly and Wynonna, gently easing them back towards the house. She turns and glances at Dolls’ grave, then turns and nods her head back to Doc. 

 

Doc looks down at the grave of a man he would give  _ anything _ to bring back to this world. He bends down, running his fingers over the letter X in his name, and slowly stands back up. He tips his hat towards Dolls. 

 

“Farewell, Xavier.”

  
  


\---------

 

Nicole

 

\---------

**“Ho Hey”** **The Lumineers**

_ So show me family _ __  
_ All the blood that I will bleed _ __  
_ I don't know where I belong _ _  
_ __ I don't know where I went wrong

\---------

  
  


Waverly sleeps soundly next to her for the first time in days, and Nicole Haught’s mind races a thousand miles a minute. 

 

Dolls was one of the only men Nicole has  _ ever _ trusted with her whole heart and mind and soul. 

 

The first time she met him, she has to admit, he did seem like a total dick. She was happy in that moment to never talk to him again, but something deep inside gave her pause. Something in the back of her mind sparked to life and she stopped and she knew from then on that Dolls was going to be  _ important _ . 

 

And she didn’t know  _ why _ at the time, but now she knows that her life would be so, so much different if it weren’t for Dolls. 

 

He changed her life, and now he’s gone. 

 

She’s had days to process this information and she still can’t quite believe it. 

 

Dolls had seemed fine until he wasn’t.  _ Everything _ had seemed fine until it wasn’t. 

 

They had saved Waverly and Wynonna and she just needed to grab Wynonna’s gun and then-

 

_ And then I almost died _ , she thinks, and she shivers at the thought. 

 

She was dangling from a cliff, and pleading with Wynonna to let her go, and then she almost lost Waverly, too, and then there  _ he _ was. 

 

Next thing she knows she’s standing at the top of a cliff out of breath with Waverly holding her in her arms and Dolls is lying on the ground.  _ Dead _ . 

 

She tried to resuscitate him and make him breathe or move or anything, but she thinks that he was already gone before she even got there.  

 

Nicole’s heart stops when she thinks about how this isn’t even the first time he’s risked his life for her. 

 

She had iron in her veins and a pain in her body that hurt more than any feeling she’s ever felt on this earth. She could feel it in her bones and her blood and she thought that she was going to lose her life before she even really got to live it. 

 

And Dolls, always,  _ always _ the hero, stepped up and felt the same pain for  _ her _ . He risked his life to save her.

 

Nicole realizes as she listens to Waverly’s calm breathing that he knew, even then, that there was something else to her. That there was some reason she  _ needed _ to be saved. 

 

Dolls knew and now he’s gone and Nicole thinks she might never know who she  _ really _ is. 

 

But then he risked his life again. Four days ago. For her. 

 

“It should have been me,” she whispers quietly, and the thought consumes her mind completely. 

 

_ Wynonna should have let me go. Dropped me down that cliff and out of sight and let him live. I did something wrong. _

 

_ I shouldn’t have survived _ .

 

Nicole shakily lifts Waverly’s arm off of her body and rolls out of bed, kissing her hair before she hurries out of the room.

 

Nicole steps quietly down the stairs and into the kitchen of the homestead, grabbing her laptop and bringing it into the dining room. She flips the lid open and presses the power key over and over again, her breathing picking up. She types in her password and watches her hands shake as her computer loads. 

 

Her fingers can barely type out the letters as she looks for an answer to her life in the search bar. 

 

_ Survivor’s guilt. _

 

Nicole squeezes her eyes closed and tries to remember. All she can see is herself staring off in the distance and a party covered in purple lights, Waverly at her side looking highly confused. 

 

_ “I’ve never been a victim. I’m a survivor. I’m  _ the _ survivor.” _

 

“Of what?” she asks aloud, and she closes her laptop when she doesn’t find an answer. She runs a sweaty hand through her hair and lets out a breath she didn’t she had been holding in. 

 

_ Dolls would know _ , she thinks, and that’s the moment when she lets herself cry. 

 

He was there for her even when she didn’t realize it. Always looking out for her. Always helping her find her way through questions she didn’t have answers to. 

 

And she knows she has Waverly and Wynonna and Doc and Jeremy, but everything feels  _ different _ now. 

 

Because she feels like it’s  _ her _ fault that he’s gone. 

 

Nicole glances at the clock and the sun coming up on the horizon through the window and walks back to Waverly’s room, knowing that she’ll be awake soon. 

 

She slides into bed next to her and holds her as close as she can. 

 

No more secrets. She’s going to tell Waverly.  _ Tomorrow _ . 

 

But for now, she’ll hold the woman she loves while she still can. 

 

-

 

It’s actually two days later before Nicole works up the courage to tell Waverly about  _ whatever _ it is that she thinks she is. 

 

She wants to wait. Her mind tells her to wait longer, to wait until she’s  _ sure _ about this and that she’s not just dreaming all of this up. And she lets her mind win and she waits another day. 

 

Her heart tells her to tell Waverly now. Her heart tells her to be honest and open and tell Waverly  _ everything _ she knows right now because tomorrow it might be too late.

 

Her heart wins in the end.

 

So she wakes up the next day and takes a deep breath because she isn’t sure how this is going to go. Because maybe Waverly won’t want her anymore and maybe Waverly will blame her, too, and maybe now’s not a great time because they’re all still grieving and maybe Dolls wouldn’t want her to tell Waverly this and maybe-

 

_ No _ , Nicole stops herself.  _ After everything, she deserves the truth. _ She nods her head and tells Waverly that she has something to tell her after breakfast.

 

She passes Wynonna in the living room on her way to the kitchen and her heart breaks a little bit more. Wynonna spends most of her days now in front of the fireplace, watching the flames disintegrate log after log. Nicole can only imagine that she must be reliving  _ that _ same moment over again every time. 

 

Nicole knows better than to try to talk to her, though, and she continues on. 

 

It’s late afternoon by the time Nicole is finally ready to talk to Waverly. Waverly’s been looking at her with weary, nervous eyes for most of the day, and it does nothing to help ease Nicole’s own nerves. 

 

She sits Waverly down at one end of the couch and sits down next to her, taking in a deep breath. Nicole watches Waverly play with the sleeve of the hoodie she’s wearing. Nicole recognizes the hoodie as the one Nicole got from her police academy in the city, the one Waverly said made her feel like, “your arms are around me even when they’re not. _ ” _

 

Nicole opens her mouth to speak and suddenly someone’s knocking on the door and she sighs dramatically. It’s Doc and he wants to talk to Wynonna, and she points him in the right direction. She walks back over to Waverly and notices him watching them, so she nods at him and hopes he gets the message to leave. 

 

She turns back to Waverly and sighs, “Okay. Waverly, I want to be honest and open with you. No more secrets, right? And I-I love you so much and I just-”

 

“I love you, too,” Waverly interrupts, smiling gently and reaching for Nicole’s hand. “Which is why you can tell me anything, Nicole.  _ Anything _ .”   
  


Nicole’s heart swells and she tries to stop herself from crying. Waverly reaches out and wipes her tears away, looking at her with curious eyes. “That day at Pussy Willows when the bodies were spread out on the floor and I was talking about those Cult of Bulshar files Dolls gave me,” Nicole begins. “I asked him to give me those because it sounded  _ familiar _ and I felt something buried deep inside of me start to uncover. And then when we were glamored at the party, I remember thinking that I was a  _ survivor _ . And-and I feel like I’ve been in Purgatory before and it’s all just coming back to me in fragments, Waves. And I’m lost and I’m confused and I don’t know  _ who _ I am and-”

 

“ _ Breathe _ , Nicole. Breathe,” Waverly whispers, putting her arms around her. Nicole feels herself relax for a moment in Waverly’s arms before she draws back. 

 

“I think I survived the Cult of Bulshar,” Nicole admits, “and I don’t know if I should be terrified or ashamed or embarrassed because I don’t know what this means for me. And I don’t know who this makes me.” When Waverly opens her mouth to comment, Nicole stops her. “There’s more. When Dolls died, I couldn’t stop thinking that it was  _ my _ fault that he died. That it was  _ me _ who did something wrong and that  _ I _ shouldn’t have survived when others, when  _ he _ didn’t.” Nicole hangs her head into her hands and sobs harder. “So if you don’t want me anymore then that’s fine. Okay? It is. Because some days  _ I _ don’t even want me anymore.”

 

It takes a few moments, but Nicole feels Waverly’s fingers pry her hands apart and she’s shocked to see that Waverly’s crying, too. “Oh, Nicole,” she places her hands carefully on the sides of Nicole’s face. “How could you think I could ever not want you?” She shakes her head in disbelief. “I miss him  _ so _ damn much, but I would  _ never _ blame you for that. I  _ know _ you must be scared and confused without him here. And I know that this might be hard for you to believe, but this is  _ not _ your fault, Nicole.”

 

“Thank you, Waves. I miss him, too. More than I can even say.”

 

Waverly rises up on her knees and brings Nicole’s head to her chest, circling her arms around her back. “I know he’s not here, but we’ll figure this out together, okay? And no matter what, I will keep loving you for  _ whoever _ or  _ whatever _ you are.”

 

Nicole feels a weight lift off her shoulders and her chest and her heart and she pulls Waverly closer.

 

“ _ We’ll _ be okay.”

 

-

 

Nicole’s phone buzzes insistently on her nightstand next to her a week later and she resists the urge to throw it against the wall. She blinks open her eyes and groans when she sees that it’s two in the morning. After two weeks of minimal sleep, she finally felt like she could start to rest a  _ little _ easier. That is, until her phone starts ringing. 

 

She shoves nearly everything off her nightstand searching for the noise and swipes blindly at the screen when she finds it.

 

“Who is this?” she mumbles.

 

“Hey, Nicole. It’s, uh, it’s me,” Wynonna says in an abnormally quiet voice on the other end of the phone. Nicole faintly hears voices in the background of the call.

 

“Wynonna?” she asks, sitting up quickly. “Where are you?”

 

“I’m at Shorty’s. I came here with Doc, but he had to leave and I don’t have a truck anymore. Do you think, I mean, do you think you could maybe come get me?” Wynonna asks, her voice wavering slightly. 

 

Nicole’s already throwing on her boots and a jacket. “I’ll be right there, Wynonna,” she promises, and she grabs her keys on the way out. 

 

She makes it to Shorty’s in what Nicole thinks is record time with only a slight amount of speeding involved. She pulls up along the curb and watches Wynonna quietly sit in the passenger seat. 

 

Nicole knows she could just drive Wynonna home and call it a night, but she hasn’t really talked to Wynonna in what feels like  _ weeks _ , so she pulls over a few streets over and turns to Wynonna expectantly. 

 

“Why did you decide to go to Shorty’s?” Nicole asks, her voice still slightly scratchy.

 

“It was Doc’s idea. I don’t know, I guess he thought it would help to drink the pain away,” Wynonna shrugs. “I threw up after the first beer I had and then I sat outside for the rest of the night.” Wynonna turns to her with worry in her eyes, an emotion Nicole has rarely seen on her. “I  _ thought _ I’d be better now. I thought I’d be able to joke around or drink more or do anything, but I can’t stop thinking about  _ him _ ,” she breathes out. Nicole reaches into her pocket for a tissue and hands it to Wynonna.

 

“Hey, it’s only been two weeks. He was here for over a year and he was a  _ big _ part of your life and it’s going to take some time, a lot of time, before you can adjust to that,” Nicole assures her. “When you lose someone you care about deeply, it leaves a hole in your heart that takes time to heal. You  _ will _ be alright, Wynonna.”

 

Wynonna wipes away a few more tears and whispers, “I was in love with him. I felt it, the moment we met, the moment we first kissed. A connection. The way you feel with Waverly, I think I felt that with him. I think I  _ feel _ it with him,” Wynonna admits, and Nicole notes that she doesn’t think Wynonna’s been this honest with her  _ ever _ and that she must trust Nicole enough with this information. 

 

Nicole reaches for Wynonna’s hand and squeezes it. “I’m here for you, Wynonna,” Nicole promises her, but words don’t feel like enough. She turns her car off and opens her door, walking around the front of the cruiser to the passenger side door. She sees Wynonna furrow her brow in confusion and Nicole opens the door with a smile. 

 

“What are you doing, Haught?” Wynonna asks slowly. 

 

“Come here, Earp,” she says, pulling Wynonna up to her feet and closing her arms around her in a hug. She feels Wynonna pause for a moment before wrapping her arms around Nicole, too.

 

“I think you might have the wrong Earp,” Wynonna jokes, and Nicole nearly cries at the sound of it. She hasn’t heard Wynonna laugh like that in weeks and it gives her hope.

 

“Hey, now. I might be in love with your sister, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you, too, Wynonna,” when Wynonna rolls her eyes at her Nicole grins. “Seriously, I’m here if you need it.  _ Anything _ at all.”

 

“We should probably get home now. Waverly’s gonna be wondering where I am,” Wynonna points out, toeing the sidewalk. 

 

“Yeah, you’re right,” Nicole concedes, climbing back into her seat. She waits for Wynonna to do the same before putting the vehicle in drive.

 

It’s silent for a few moments before Wynonna says seriously, “Thank you, Nicole, really. For  _ everything _ . It’s been tough.”

 

Nicole nods solemnly. “We’ll need each other now more than ever. We’re still a  _ family _ . Even if he can’t be here with us.”

 

-

 

Nicole wakes a few days later in a tangled mess of sheets, shaking and sweating down her neck. She blindly reaches for a body next to her and ends up hitting the empty bed beside her. 

 

_ Waverly’s always here when I get up _ , Nicole thinks to herself, and she scrambles out of bed as quickly as she can. She glances back at the clock on Waverly’s night stand and panics even more. It’s 11:00 a.m. and Nicole  _ just _ woke up for whatever reason and Waverly’s gone. 

 

She takes the stairs two at a time and runs through the homestead, checking each room until she skids to a stop in the dining room. She takes in the sight before her and breathes a sigh of relief. 

 

Wynonna sits next to Waverly at the table, holding her hand, but not saying anything. Nicole almost doesn’t want to ruin the silence, but her body is moving towards an empty chair next to Wynonna before she can even realize it. 

 

Wynonna looks up for a moment at Nicole before she looks back down at the table. Nicole feels Waverly’s hand cover her own across the table, and Nicole carefully grabs Wynonna’s hand next to her. 

 

Nicole expects the room to fall back into silence, but Wynonna mutters, “None of us would be here. He saved us  _ all _ .” And she says it so quietly that Nicole almost isn’t sure that she’s heard it right. 

 

“You’re right,” she hears Waverly whisper across the table, and Nicole squeezes her hand even tighter. 

 

And thoughts instantly begin to pass through her mind - that this is  _ her _ fault and that  _ she  _ should be buried in the ground right now - but she shakes them away. 

 

Because she’s here now and the three of them are here safe and sound. Because Dolls gave up his life so that they could live theirs. 

 

“I-I don’t know how we’ll get through this, and I don’t know if we’ll  _ ever _ get over this,” Wynonna starts, looking up then. “But I do know that he saved us for a reason. That he wants us to live on. And I miss him  _ so _ much, but I’m so glad you two are still here with me. And, Nicole?” she moves her hand to Nicole’s shoulder. “You were willing to  _ die _ . For me. For  _ us _ . And that says and means more to me than any words  _ ever _ could.”   
  
“You were willing to do the same for me,” Nicole points out. “But I would do anything for you two. I love you both more than  _ anyone _ else in this world. I’m grateful beyond words that you’re both still here.”

 

Waverly smiles softly at her then. “He wanted us to have a good life. To have a future.”

 

And Nicole thinks then, about her future. About Waverly and marrying her someday out on the homestead and moving in together,  _ wherever _ that might be. 

 

And she thinks then, about maybe having kids with Waverly.  _ If that’s what she wants. _

 

She thinks that maybe they’d have a son, and the thought makes her smile.

 

She thinks that they’d call him Xavier. 

  
  


\---------

 

Waverly

 

\---------

**“Fix You”** **Coldplay**

_ When the tears come streaming down your face _ __  
_ When you lose something you can't replace _ __  
_ When you love someone but it goes to waste _ _  
_ __ Could it be worse?

\---------

  
  


Waverly Earp can’t stop laughing.

 

And she knows she’s a terrible person for it but she can’t  _ stop _ .

 

Dolls is gone and she doesn’t know what to do so she laughs. 

 

Because everything was fine for a moment. She and Wynonna had been rescued from a mangled wreck in the middle of the woods and everything was  _ fine _ .

 

She had thought she was going to lose Wynonna then, but everything was fine. It  _ had _ to be.

 

And then Dolls left her at his truck with a look in his eyes that has been engraved in her mind ever since. 

 

Dolls looked at her like he was trying to say a thousand words in a single breath. He looked like he was saying  _ goodbye _ . 

 

And it was only a matter of time before Waverly knew that he meant it. 

 

Because the love of her life was dangling over the edge of a cliff and her sister was sliding closer to the edge and Dolls went up in flames. 

 

He was gone forever.

 

Waverly feels an absence in every room she walks in, every person she talks to, and she’s  _ terrified _ .  

 

She doesn’t understand how  _ another _ person she loved with her entire heart could leave this world again. She doesn’t understand and she laughs. 

 

She laughs, and Nicole leads her into another room where she  _ breaks _ .

 

She falls into Nicole’s arms and she starts laughing so hard she cries. 

 

And Nicole, her  _ rock _ , holds her tighter still. She tells her to breathe and Waverly curls up into her chest. 

 

“It isn’t fair,” she hears herself say. “It isn’t fair that someone so young, so good had to leave this world before he even got to  _ live _ it.”

 

She half expects Nicole to disagree, but she feels Nicole nod her head. “It’s not. It’s not fair at all.”

 

She pulls back from Nicole’s embrace and shrugs her shoulders. “I’ve never had a brother. Nobody I could trust like  _ that _ ,” she shakes her head sadly. “But then there was Dolls. And he was  _ always _ there for me and Wynonna and  _ us _ . We didn’t even have to say anything. He was just there.”

 

_ It was never even a question of  _ if _ he would be _ .  _ He just always  _ was.

 

Nicole doesn’t interrupt, just looks at Waverly to continue, holding her hand in support. 

 

“He filled a void I didn’t know I had inside. I loved him like the brother I never had and now I just feel so  _ empty _ ,” she finishes, feeling another fit of laughter bubbling up inside of her. 

 

Nicole presses a lingering kiss to her forehead before she takes Waverly’s head into her hands. “This isn’t going to be easy to live without him. It’s going to seem impossible. And we will never,  _ ever _ forget what he’s done for all of us. But as hard as it is to hear, he’s at peace now. No more suffering, no more pain. He died a  _ hero _ , Waverly. He died for  _ us _ .”

 

Waverly thinks that Dolls was more than just a hero. He had to be.

 

Because heroes always win.

 

_ Except when they don’t _ .

 

-

 

Waverly sits cross-legged on the floor of her bedroom, surrounded by hundreds of photos and thousands of memories that she thought she had packed away for good. 

 

Waverly has lost too many people. She has  _ almost _ lost even more. It feels like she’s been losing people since before she even knew what the word meant. 

 

She picks at the corner of a faded Polaroid in her hand and sighs. She traces her finger over the picture, first over her father, and then over herself, smiling in his arms. 

 

She can’t remember why she’s smiling, but it’s one of the only pictures she can find of her and her father. She blinks back a lone tear that threatens to spill down onto the photo. 

 

Losing Daddy had been confusing because Waverly isn’t sure that she really loved him like she was supposed to. And it  _ certainly _ didn’t feel like he loved her like he should have. 

 

Wynonna had shot their father dead in their front yard and Waverly cried,  _ of course _ she did, but she felt freed. Like something had been holding her down and now she was able to breathe for the first time in her life. 

 

And of course she misses the good memories. But the bad ones, the ones that make her shake in the middle of the night when she can’t sleep, they taint her image of her father and make her want to forget he was even in her life at all. 

 

And yet, she still can’t help but  _ miss _ him.

 

She tosses the Polaroid back into a small box labeled “Daddy” and nudges it back towards her closet. 

 

She picks up a drawing of herself holding hands with Willa, the sister she thought she had lost so young, and watches a tear land on the paper below. 

 

Willa was never very nice to her. She threw her toys out onto the ice and hoped Waverly would fall in, and Waverly had thought nothing of it at the time. She was four and she thought that’s just what sisters did.

 

She never thought about how Wynonna never did any of those things to her.

 

Willa was gone from Waverly’s life before she even really knew who she was and Waverly just  _ accepted _ it. 

 

Only, Willa wasn’t really gone.

 

Because she came back and Waverly  _ instantly _ noticed that something had changed. Deep in her soul, buried under layers of walls built up, something had changed. Willa was not the same person she once was. 

 

Or maybe she was and Waverly just didn’t want to acknowledge the truth. 

 

But then she turned dark and evil and Wynonna shot her with Peacemaker and it was all over. 

 

Waverly had already let go of Willa years ago, so when she lost her again, it hurt her less. 

 

She still felt it in her heart, but it wasn’t as painful. She could  _ live _ with it. 

 

Waverly picks up another photo then, one she had to tape together when someone ripped it in half. It’s one of Wynonna, probably five years old, kissing Mama on the cheek. 

 

Waverly had looked through  _ five _ boxes of memories and she tries to forget the fact that she can’t find  _ any _ photos of her with her mother. 

 

She remembers her mother calling her an angel. She remembers Wynonna telling her that Mama had ran away, and she remembers thinking that she’d wait for her to come back. 

 

Nearly twenty years had passed and Waverly learned to stop expecting to ever see her mother again. 

 

Losing her mother had been a gradual process. With each passing day it hurt more and more until she broke one day and had to admit to herself that if her mother was still out there, she didn’t  _ want _ her in her life anymore. 

 

Waverly thinks the moment she realized that was one of the worst moments of her life. 

 

Waverly tries not to think about the fact that Wynonna had known where her mother was this entire time. 

 

She rips the photograph in half again, throwing the part with Wynonna in a box and throwing the part with her mother into the garbage can across the room. 

 

The next photograph springs new tears into her eyes as she looks at a young Gus and Curtis, standing in front of their house. 

 

Curtis was the closest thing Waverly thinks she ever had to a real father. Losing him was worse than losing Ward. 

 

Curtis was the one who raised her to be who she is now. Ward was never as involved as he should have been, but Curtis? He was there the  _ instant _ she needed something. 

 

And,  _ God,  _ had she loved him. She never stopped.

 

She mourned his loss at Gus’ side, watching her aunt hold back from breaking down every time they walked past the tomato patch in the yard. She mourned his loss in a bed that felt too empty and listened to Gus cry into the early hours of the morning when she thought Waverly had went to bed. 

 

And then Wynonna had shown up for the first time in  _ three _ years and Waverly decided that she was going to help Wynonna break this curse then and there. 

 

For Curtis. 

 

For all of them.

 

She pulls a faded red and blue shirt from the box next to her and she cries into the soft fabric of the material. 

 

A piece of her heart will always be at Shorty’s.

 

She has a million memories of spending her teen years weaving around barstools and old tables as she learns to be waitress. Shorty would look at her with a proud smile on his face and tell her that she would always have a place here. 

 

That she would always feel  _ wanted _ here. 

 

And Waverly would hug him tightly and thank her lucky stars that she had someone like Shorty in her life. 

 

Walking into Shorty’s feels different now, as much as Doc has tried to preserve its essence. All the memories are still there, even if  _ he _ isn’t. 

 

Waverly, chasing after Wynonna and tackling her into the pool table. Waverly, leaning into Shorty’s arms after Curtis dies. 

 

Waverly, watching the love of her life, her  _ soulmate _ , walk into the bar. 

 

She thinks then that maybe she misses Shorty more than she’ll ever admit.

 

Waverly has nothing physically to remind her of Alice, but she doesn’t think she needs anything. 

 

Because Alice hasn’t left her memory for months. 

 

And even though she hasn’t  _ really _ lost Alice, it aches deep in heart like she has. 

 

Because Waverly is an aunt now - at least she  _ hopes _ she is - and she hasn’t seen her niece in five months. 

 

_ How is it possible to love someone so much who doesn’t even know you exist? _

 

She prays that Gus tells her all things she can’t. That she tells her she loves her and wants the best for her and wishes that she could be there with her now. 

 

She can only imagine how Wynonna must feel. 

 

Waverly takes a shaky breath and reaches into the final box, taking a navy blue mug out of it. She runs her fingers over the white X on the glass for what feels like hours. 

 

Losing Dolls hurts  _ everywhere _ . It hurts when she breathes with her lungs and in her head when she thinks and in her heart when it beats. 

 

It’s the one of the most  _ painful _ feelings Waverly has ever experienced in her life. 

 

It hurts more than when she lost Daddy or WIlla or Mama or Curtis or Shorty or Alice or  _ anyone _ . 

 

When Waverly loses Dolls, she loses her hope in this world. She loses her optimism. 

 

Because a man she looked up to, a man she trusted with her life, a man she loved like a brother is gone. One of - if not  _ the -  _ best person Waverly has ever known is gone forever. 

 

And it wasn’t a peaceful death either. Dolls suffered weeks and months and none of them noticed that something was wrong because he  _ hid _ it. Dolls hid his suffering and he loved them all wholly and fully, and Waverly remembers how  _ good _ he was. 

 

He suffered in the most painful way imaginable and always made sure that everyone else was okay first. He always put others before himself.

 

_ Even in the end _ .

 

She wishes she would’ve said something to him sooner. She wishes she could tell him how much he meant to her. How much she appreciates him caring for Wynonna. For herself. How much she  _ loved _ him.

 

Waverly blindly shoves the rest of the items on the floor into the boxes and kicks them over to the side, not even caring when the contents spill out onto the floor. She pulls her knees to her chest and rocks on the floor of her bedroom, absolutely devastated. 

 

_ I never even said goodbye. _

 

-

 

Waverly spends the next few days in Nicole’s and Doc’s and Jeremy’s arms, mourning a man she wish she had known better. 

 

She notices a change in each of them that leaves her feeling  _ helpless _ . 

 

She watches the light fade from Jeremy’s eyes as the minutes fade into hours and into days. Waverly doesn’t think she’s ever seen him not happy and it scares her because she had naively hoped that nothing would change. She had hoped that they would all still be friends, that they would all still be  _ close _ . 

 

But she watches Jeremy close in on himself and then suddenly he’s gone, too, and he isolates himself from an unknown cruel world. 

 

Doc’s eyes hold an anger to them that Waverly has never seen cross his features. She’s seen him upset before, but  _ never _ like this. 

 

His eyes look cold and hard, but she sees  _ regret _ about all else. She sees regret and wonders if Doc never got the chance to say goodbye either. 

 

She seems him sweeping up broken glass shards nearly everyday and she’s worried that one day it won’t just be glasses that he’s breaking. 

 

She knows how to read Nicole’s feelings easily. She doesn’t doubt her abilities to know  _ exactly _ what she’s feeling. 

 

Nicole looks like she’s trying to be strong. If Waverly didn’t know better, she would think that Nicole had finished mourning their lost friend. She sees past that front, however, and she knows that Nicole is falling apart  _ just _ as much as the rest of them. 

 

Nicole is trying to be strong for her, for Wynonna, she’s sure, but Waverly can see that she’s only a few tears from breaking apart. 

 

Waverly hopes her eyes can convey to her all the feelings she can’t put words to. 

 

_ It’s okay to break. It’s okay to fall. _

 

_ I’m here. _

 

Waverly hasn’t talked to Wynonna in days, her words failing her each time she gains the courage to try. 

 

Waverly’s playing music quietly in her room late one night when she hears a soft knock on her door. She pauses the music and cautiously approaches the door. 

 

Wynonna twists the doorknob and steps in quietly, a blanket draped haphazardly around her shoulders and her tears drying her hair to her face. Waverly closes the door and catches her sister as she falls into her arms. Waverly feels her eyes get hot and she shakes her head in defiance. 

 

Dolls’ last words to her echo around her mind. 

 

_ “Wynonna’s going to need you now more than ever.” _

 

Maybe he had been talking about the curse or maybe he had been talking about something else, but Waverly doesn’t care. 

 

Because Wynonna needs her  _ now _ . 

 

Waverly slides her hands around Wynonna’s back and pulls her as close as she can. She thinks of another night, not long ago, when she held Wynonna like this. 

 

“I’m not saying it’s gonna be okay,” she says quietly, channeling all the strength she has. “I’m just saying that I’m here.”

 

Wynonna latches onto her tighter at that, and Waverly closes her eyes. 

 

_ How will we go on without you, Dolls? _

  
  


\---------

 

Wynonna

 

\---------

**“Sick of Losing Soulmates”** **Dodie**

_ What the hell would I be without you? _ __  
_ Brave face talk so lightly, hide the truth _ __  
_ Cause I'm sick of losing soulmates _ _  
_ __ So where do we begin?

\---------

  
  


Wynonna Earp refuses to believe he’s gone at first. 

 

It just doesn’t make sense because how can he be there one minute and seem perfectly fine and then the next he’s lying on the ground and he’s not  _ breathing _ . 

 

Wynonna stares harder into the fire in front of her, trying to blind herself from the pain. Staring into the fire feels like she’s reliving the moment over and over again but she  _ can’t  _ pry herself away. 

 

Had she been so blind to not see that her best friend was suffering for so long?

 

Wynonna had kneeled down next to the man she loved in the middle of an empty field and watched his soul leave his body. She watched him die, watched him take his last breath right in front of her and she  _ still _ couldn’t believe it. She  _ still _ can’t believe it. 

 

She had heard Waverly tell her to let him go. She had heard Mama tell her in her head to let him go but she  _ can’t _ . 

 

_ He can’t be dead. _

 

She feels Waverly stand her up from her place in front of the fire and move her outside and  _ then _ it hits her.

 

Because suddenly she’s standing in front of his grave and it’s all  _ real _ . 

 

There’s no mistake. This isn’t some twisted dream. 

 

This is real.

 

The man Wynonna fell in love with in just a year is inside a coffin in the ground and he’s really, truly  _ gone _ . 

 

Her legs and her arms and her body shake and she feels herself falling down to the ground. Someone catches her on the way and she feels like she’s watching all of this happen from afar. 

 

Doc’s burying him with a shovel and each time a pile of dirt lands on the coffin she feels it resonate against the walls of her heart. 

 

Burying Dolls’ feels like she burying a piece of her own heart, a part of her  _ soul _ .

 

It feels like she’s right there with him, lying in that hole in the earth, watching the dirt trap him from the world above. 

 

Wynonna waits for  _ something _ to happen then. For Dolls to spring up out of the ground and wrap his arms around her and hold her like he’ll never let go.

 

She waits for someone to tell that this is all some sick joke and Dolls is just back at the station waiting for her. She waits for a  _ miracle _ . 

 

She waits and waits and nothing happens. 

 

Nothing happens and she’s falling to her knees and ripping the dirt from the ground and tears are running rivers down her face. “He can’t be dead. He  _ can’t _ ,” she screams, and someone pulls her away from Dolls and she screams until her voice is hoarse. She feels Doc pulling her back towards the house and she can’t breathe anymore. 

 

And she looks up to see Waverly looking at her like she’s a stranger. 

 

Like she doesn’t know who Wynonna is anymore. 

 

She’s back in front of the fire again before she realizes it and suddenly she feels an overwhelming sense of loneliness. 

 

_ I’m alone. He’s really gone.  _

 

She reaches into her pocket for a tissue and her fingers catch on something cool. With shaking hands, she pulls the metal out of her pocket and feels all the air in her lungs leave her body. 

 

She slides the chain around her neck and feels Dolls’ tags rest over the empty space in her heart. She traces the letters of his name over and over again until she’s sure that she’ll  _ never _ forget them. 

 

Wynonna decides in that moment that she’s never letting it out of her sight for the rest of her life. That she’ll  _ always _ carry him with her. 

 

_ He might be gone, but that doesn’t mean I’m saying goodbye. _

 

-

 

Wynonna can’t sleep and her eyes burn so she sits out on the porch of the homestead and waits for the sun to rise. 

 

She knows it sounds crazy, but Wynonna doesn’t know how to live without Dolls. 

 

It’s ridiculous, really, because she lived 26 years without him. She only knew him for a year. She should be able to move on. 

 

And yet she can’t help but think that this last year was one of the best of her  _ entire _ life. She knows that he was a big reason for that. 

 

He might have been  _ the _ reason for it. 

 

It’s been weeks now and Wynonna doesn’t know how to go on. 

 

She forgets how to breathe and she doesn’t want to eat or drink or sleep or  _ try _ anymore.

 

She wants to give up. She wants to just drop everything. She wants to drop the curse this town -  _ everything _ \- and leave. 

 

She’s done it before. 

 

_ What’s one more time? _

 

Something stops her everytime she considers it. 

 

Because Wynonna has a baby. Five months old and so  _ young _ and  _ vulnerable _ and she’ll never get to see her if she doesn’t break this curse. 

 

And then Dolls. 

 

_ He’s never going to see us break this curse. _

 

She knows that she needs to break this for him. That’s the whole reason he was even here. He was going to break the curse with her and then he was going to leave anyway. 

 

She knew he would leave eventually. He was going to  _ have _ to. 

 

_ Right? _

 

Except maybe he wasn’t going to leave. Maybe he was going to stay and live in Purgatory for the rest of his life.

 

Maybe he was going to stay for  _ her _ .

 

Because he had looked at her like he was seeing galaxies and universes in her eyes and like he was amazed at what he saw inside. He had smiled at her like every word she said brought him the greatest happiness he had  _ ever _ felt. He had listened to her like he believed each and every word she said. 

 

So yeah,  _ maybe _ Dolls was going to stay. 

 

_ It hardly matters now. _

 

Her heart aches at what she could have had. At the life she could have lived without this curse. 

 

But then she wouldn’t have met him. 

 

She wouldn’t have put a knife to his throat in the middle of Main Street and she wouldn’t have felt something  _ course _ through her veins and something  _ shift _ into place in her heart. 

 

This curse brought Dolls into her life and it took him out of it. 

 

She  _ has _ to break this curse for him. 

 

“I just wish I knew how,” she sighs, watching her breath cloud in front of her. The horizon glows a faint orange in front of her.

 

She thinks they had a chance. A real, solid chance to end this madness once and for all. Dolls had been by her side and she felt  _ invincible _ .

 

Now she just feels broken. More than she’s ever felt. 

 

Wynonna watches the sun rise, signalling a new day on this earth that has took so much from the people she loves. 

 

Wynonna stands and turns her back on a world that has broken her soul  _ beyond _ repair. 

 

-

 

“How do you feel when you’re with Nicole?” Wynonna asks Waverly one day as they’re sitting in silence on the couch. The days and weeks have blurred and Wynonna doesn’t know how much time has passed since he left anymore. 

 

Waverly startles at the question, clearly not expecting Wynonna to say anything. She clears her throat. “God, I don’t have the words to describe it. It’s like the most  _ intense _ feeling I’ve ever felt in my life. Like we were destined to be together in any universe, in any timeline. Yeah, it’s like our hearts and our minds are connected,” Waverly shakes her head. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced.”

 

Wynonna smiles and she’s struck with the feelings of happiness and sadness at the same time. She’s  _ so _ happy Waverly’s found Nicole and that they love each other as much as they do. At the same time, she thinks of her own life and her heart breaks again.

 

“I think I had that with him. With Xavier. It felt, it still  _ feels _ like we were meant to be together,” Wynonna admits. “I never wanted to imagine my life without him. And now I have to live it.”

 

“Do you think you were in love with him?” Waverly asks tentatively. 

 

“Of course,” Wynonna responds instantly. “There isn’t a doubt in my mind. I think I  _ still _ am in love with him. My heart, I think some of it went with him.”

 

“Like you were connected,” Waverly finishes.

 

“Yeah,” Wynonna breathes out. “Is that crazy to think? I mean, I only knew him for a year.”

 

Waverly shakes her head right away. “No, not at all. When you meet someone who’s going to change your life, it changes something inside of you. You have an urge to reach out and spend the rest of your life getting to know them. I felt that when I met Nicole. I think I felt that when I met him, too. It was like I knew he was going to be important  _ before _ I even met him.”

 

“It was so much more than that, too,” Wynonna continues. “It felt like I was made for him and he was made for me. It felt like we were destined to spend the rest of our lives  _ together _ ,” Wynonna pauses and takes in a shuddering breath. 

 

“You saw a future with him?” Waverly asks curiously. “Was Doc-was there anyone else in what you saw?”

 

Wynonna closes her eyes and sees her life play out in front of her. “I love Doc, but it’s not him I see. It’s Dolls,” she opens her eyes suddenly. “No, it’s Dolls and  _ only _ Dolls.”

 

Wynonna stops then, and it’s like she can see clearly for a moment. 

 

_ It’s Dolls. It’s always been him. Since day one. _

 

Wynonna reaches for Waverly’s hand. “I would’ve married him. Right out there in front of the homestead with all of us there.  _ Together _ .” She doesn’t realize she’s crying until Waverly’s wiping away her tears. “We would’ve broken this curse, and he would’ve moved out of that motel and into my room here. I-I think we could’ve had a family, if that’s what he wanted. A baby of our own. He would’ve been  _ such _ a good father, Waverly, I know it,” she chokes out the last part between sobs. “We would’ve grown old and joked about the good times and watched the sun set from the front porch. I wanted to do it  _ all  _ with him.”   
  
Waverly holds her close in the dark living room and Wynonna realizes that they’ve been here for hours, talking about the man they miss. 

 

Wynonna’s struck then with a thought that she’d pushed away so many months ago. 

 

“When I had Alice, and I held her for just a few moments, I thought about how I wished the baby had been Dolls’. And,  _ God _ , that probably makes me sound like the worst person in the world but it’s true. Because I know Doc will probably be a  _ great _ father but I wanted it to be  _ his _ . I wanted it to be Dolls’. I wanted it to be  _ ours _ ,” she sobs heavily into Waverly’s shoulder. 

 

And it’s all such a damn tragedy, because Wynonna can’t do anything now. 

 

She’s utterly  _ helpless _ .

 

She can’t tell him that she would do anything, say anything in the world to see him smile just  _ one _ more time. 

 

She can’t tell him that of all the places he’s travelled to, her favorite place in the  _ world _ is in his arms. 

 

She can’t tell him that she doesn’t think she’s ever felt more  _ safe _ , more  _ loved _ , more  _ important _ with anyone as she was with him. 

 

She can’t tell him that she would want him by her side no matter who or what he really is.

 

She can’t tell Dolls that she  _ loves _ him more than words can ever say. 

 

Wynonna is utterly speechless because losing Dolls?

 

That felt a lot like losing a  _ soulmate _ . 

 

-

 

They buried him on a Thursday and so Wynonna visits his grave every Thursday. 

 

Sometimes it's a short visit. Sometimes all she can do is lay down a fresh set of flowers before the grief becomes too overwhelming to bear. 

 

Some days she sits in front of his grave and she talks to him for hours. Today is one of those days.

 

It’s been a month, maybe more without him and Wynonna has hated every moment of it. 

 

She carries a bouquet of roses Waverly purchased from the store yesterday to his grave. She places down the roses next to the other withering bouquets she hasn’t found the strength to take away. She brushes the snow off of a patch of grass in front of the tombstone and sits down. 

 

“I remember the first time I almost lost you. It was just the four of us,” she recalls, smiling sadly. “Doc, Waverly, you, and I. And you were trying to pull that revenant with the blade out of the mirror and those demons possessed your body. Doc zapped you and I saw your body fall to floor and I thought that was  _ it _ . I thought I was going to lose you before I even  _ had _ you.”

 

Wynonna picks one of the petals off of the rose she’s holding and sighs wistfully. “That was the day I realized that you were a hero. Because you risked your life for people you didn’t even know and for all of us. You risked your life for  _ me _ ,” her voice breaks. “I knew then that I would trust you with my  _ life _ . I think it might have been then that I fell in love with you. But honestly, I thinking I was falling from the very start.”

 

“You risked your life for me so many times, I just-I feel like there aren’t enough words in the world to tell you how much that  _ means _ to me. And then Black Badge took you away and I thought you were  _ gone _ again,” she continues looking over her shoulder at the hills behind her. “Then you were standing there, with my necklace hanging in the tree and a tear in your eye. I remember feeling like I could finally  _ breathe _ , knowing you were alive out there somewhere.”

 

“When I found you in the barn that one day and your eyes glowed yellow, you told me you didn’t want me to see you like that,” Wynonna lets out a soft laugh. “You never really got it, did you? You never really understood that I would love you no matter who you were. Or  _ what _ you were. That never mattered. It  _ still _ doesn’t.”

 

“There’s so many things I never got to tell you. There’s so many things I never got to learn about you. I wish we had more time,” she admits. She reaches for another rose and runs her fingers over its thorns. 

 

“I think you might have been the  _ best _ person I’ve known. You were suffering, Dolls, for weeks,  _ months _ even, and you didn’t say anything. Because you didn’t want me to worry,” she stops suddenly, remembering a conversation she had what feels like  _ lifetimes _ ago. “That day in my truck at the prison. When you helped me get my mom’s files and you were going to tell me something,” Wynonna breathes out. “You were going to  _ tell _ me.”

 

The realization dawns on her and comes crashing down in an instant. 

 

“You always were putting others before yourself. You put  _ me _ before your own needs, even though you were  _ dying _ . Oh, Dolls,” she gasps, covering her mouth to muffle her sobs. 

 

_ Even in the end, he saved us instead of himself. _

 

_ That sounds a lot like love. _

 

Wynonna wipes away her tears quickly. “You loved me. You never said it, but I think I saw it. I  _ know _ I saw it. Because I think you were my soulmate. And I think I was yours, too.”

 

Wynonna kisses the ground in front of her and leans back, tracing the letters of his name on his tombstone. “I hope you knew how much I loved you, too.”

 

She stands and brushes the dirt off of her pants, turning back to look at him. “This isn’t goodbye, Dolls,” she says to herself more than to him. She touches a hand to her own heart softly. Her hand brushes against his military tags hanging there. She feels her heart beat strongly against her chest.

 

“You’ll always be  _ here _ .”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic as best you can, and I hope it helped provide some sort of closure. 
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr at @earplywaves
> 
> or you can find me on Twitter at @earplywaves
> 
> Feel free to leave a comment below, and thanks for reading!


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